Behold, gluten-free "bread" :(

Gluten-free "bread": a continuing farce in the life of a gluten-intolerant lover of glutenous foods.

Life is a cruel joke.

That's how I fucking feel. I've probably said this, in complete, and solemn sincerity, on more than one dozen occasions, and to various people. On a recent such occasion, someone had a pretty nice comeback. Something along the lines of "If so, then it's the most beautiful joke over, and entirely worth hearing." I don't disagree, and thank you for this thoughtful, and not as contrary as is typical, response.

Life is beautiful. Sure. I feel fucking lucky to have one. But let me have this, ok? Life is a cruel joke. None of us ever asked to be here, but now we're here, and if one is unlucky, constantly fighting against a torrent of obstacles. Some more serious than others, some more manageable, some traumatic, or even unsurvivable. Some just ironic, and seemingly malicious, if I didn't think them to be chance, or casually incidental inconveniences, of varying degrees of shitastic. Take for instance, me, a mid 20s SANDWICH blogger, who's great passions in life, include among other things in the top 5, BEER, nice, Ontarian and elsewhere brewed kraft beer, the hoppier, the better, developing a gluten intolerance. Up there, on the list of pleasures and memories that will flash before my mind, should I ever have a sudden near-death experience; that bottle of Buzanko small batch beer I acquired from Greg, best thing I have ever tasted in my life; my dad's poppy seed and red onion sourdough; oh, right, and my near daily hobby of EATING GLUTEN. But against my will, though out of unignorable necessity, I have cut gluten out of my diet. So, it's been almost two years since I've willingly, and knowingly consumed gluten. Yes, there have been a few accidental days of anguish, but other than that, I've adjusted, and I'm happier, healthier, and arguably saner than ever, since cutting that untold villain which shall not be named.

So, don't ask me if I'm celiac. I don't officially know. I cut gluten long before there was the opportunity to consult a food allergen specialist, and given that one has to be concurrently consuming gluten, to be tested, that is no longer an option. I do know, for certain, that I am seemingly miraculously better off without it, so the pain of separation is way outweighed by the danger presented.

I don't usually miss it, and to anyone going through the same transition, my best advice for you is to forget about substitutions. In fact, I learned this during my vegan years. Forget about substitutes. Think about that. That word. You're inherently getting the second best, and there's no telling how far behind the second best of something can lag from what you're really wanting. And let me tell you, gluten-free bread SUCKS.

I mean, it's not that bad, but look at it.

It's all fucking dry and crumbly. There's a reason bread is made almost universally with gluten. It's the good part. It's what gives bread it's heavenly texture. Not this stuff.

Fuck gluten-free most things. Fuck the predatory gluten-free industry. Fuck its inflated prices. Fuck processed foods period. And fuck soy imitation products while I'm at it. Buy whole foods. Make your own stuff. Did I make this bread? No, no I did not. Why? Because let's be honest here, there's not much of a point. Gluten-free flour blends are great for making muffins, and cakes, and crusts, cookies, and pancakes, when you so desire, but bread, it just can't do. I've heard about people making nice gluten-free breads, I've just never personally had one, so I remain extremely skeptical any such bread exists.

So I did't bother, I just bought some. I don't buy it often, but sometimes, having pan-fried toast with butter is hugely satisfying, even if it doesn't come close. This is what it looks like. I bought a loaf of "morning grains", and it is your typical cinnamon and raison cloaked take on cardboard whole grain bread, made from a blend of potato starch, tapioca starch, water, white bean flour, sorghum flour, organic grape skin flour (wtf? I know), eggs, sunflower seeds, xanthan gum, sunflower oil, honey, yeast, and salt. Ok, so I am just finding out this isn't vegan. Sorry for all future posts using this stuff that I label as vegan. And out of respect for the lovely, and competent Toronto bakery who lovingly makes this stuff for us glutards, I will not name ye.

Butter is a huge improvement. It really needs to be soaked in butter to not taste like stale carpet.

Actually, if you don't tell yourself it's supposed to be bread, it can be pretty enjoyable, but as expressed by my bitterness, it's no bread. 

So, I just wanted to give you readers a heads up on why you'll be seeing this in some upcoming posts. Again, I don't really eat this stuff on a regular basis. But it is here to facilitate the reviving of this blog, and to offer solace to other gluten-deprived people out there, when I'm not making the real deal for houseguests to eat, so I can make posts. Anyway, BEHOLD, "bread."

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